There’s Always Next Time

November 26, 1986  |  Time Is Irrelevant  |  No Comments

It’s been a while. Thank the cosmos that time is irrelevant. The TSFFEEATCOPO team has been hard at work behind the scenes, spending many long, hard nights shoving our faces with pizza, riding skateboards through the sewers, and battling a mysterious ninja clan by exercising our rodent-taught karate skills.

In-between practicing our kickflips and debating the best topping combinations, we made a video to share with you.

Would you like to discuss this video with a TSFFEEATCOPO counselor? Send us a note and we’ll get back to you shortly. And by, “shortly,” we mean, “sometime before the sun explodes and vaporizes our solar system, but most likely right after finishing our 24th pizza.”

Your friend in time,


The Infinite Time Capsule

January 5, 1956  |  Project Announcement  |  Comments Off on The Infinite Time Capsule

It’s official: TSFFEEATCOPO is proud to announce the launch of the Infinite Time Capsule project. After years of pooling the collective talents and resources of our dedicated staff members, enough capital was raised to purchase the equipment necessary to gather thousands of unique, personalized messages, convert them to a proprietary, non-degradable format, and launch them into space for one thousand years.

To learn more about this exciting project, and for the chance to take part in this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, please visit:

The Infinite Time Capsule is the first of many exciting initiatives here at TSFFEEATCOPO. We’re always looking for people that are dedicated to making the world more awesome. If you haven’t taken the time to fill out our Internship Application, what are you waiting for? We want to send you free stuff. That’s right, free. No strings. Yes, seriously. And it’s a very pretty package, if I do say so myself. And I do. Say so myself, I mean. I have examined the contents with all three monocles I own, and the results are conclusive: it’s extraordinary. Did I mention free?  Get on it.

Baron von Wolfgang

You Are In The Right Place

November 5, 1955  |  Deep Thoughts  |  11 Comments

It was an annual thing: every year on my birthday, my father and I would set up camp in our backyard, heat marshmallows over an open fire, and erect a family-size tent that was large enough to fit a pair of elephants and still have room for an ‘84 Camaro. We dressed in plaid hunting shirts and wore raccoon-tail hats. We talked about comic books, the possibility of time travel, and how his biggest regret in life was never becoming an astronaut. I was about to turn thirteen.

With his back failing him, my father decided to purchase an inflatable mattress in order to sleep more comfortably during this year’s outdoor adventure. Without an automatic pump handy, my father spent the better part of two hours blowing into a small plastic cap until his face turned blue and his cheeks were puffy and raw. As the sky darkened, we filled the tent with sleeping bags and science books, plopped onto our comfy air mattress, and read stories by H.G. Wells before we drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, my father awoke with chest pains. It was difficult for him to breathe. He coughed a lot. At the not-so-gentle urging of my mother, he agreed to visit the hospital. My father was certain it was just a cold. The doctor diagnosed him with stage four lung cancer. An “aggressive adenocarcinoma” had already spread throughout his entire body. He was given a week to live. He died the next day.

My mother arranged the funeral. Strong and proud, she refused to show any signs of vulnerability in front of my brother and I. And although she packed my father’s clothes and books into rows of stacked boxes in the garage, there was one thing she kept close: the camping mattress that my father purchased, neatly tucked directly under her bed.

Every night before she went to sleep, my mother collapsed to her knees and pulled the inflated mattress out from under the bed frame. She’d carefully tug on the closed plastic cap, and then push her lips to the opening. With her eyes tightly shut, my mother would take one slow, deep breath inwards, sending a tiny piece of my father swirling into her body, a gale-force wind of metaphysical evidence that her soul mate was there, with her at that very moment, helping her to breathe and reminding her of the love they shared together.

Forty-seven days later, the mattress was empty. Deflated. An empty, sagging shell of what was once the container of my father’s last breath. That night, my mother called for my brother and me to enter her room. “Daddy’s gone,” she said. “Daddy’s gone.” And then she cried.

Have you lost a loved one? If not, it’s only a matter of time before someone close to you is hit by a bus, or chokes on an over-sized meatball, or slips into a coma after being bludgeoned with a baseball bat by thieves during a home invasion after becoming enraged when you refuse to recite the combination to the safe where you keep your Mickey Mantle rookie card. People live. People die. Old folks slip into graves. Young folks slip out of vaginas. Remember that whole “Circle of Life” thing from The Lion King? Well, it’s real. The gas tank of the Grim Reaper’s Steamroller is filled to the brim with a never-ending supply of fossil fuel, and you, on average, have 78.4 years to figure this “life” thing out before you get flattened. In short, there is no escaping your inevitable end.

Or is there?

For the first time in human history, advances in the areas bionanotechnology, genome decryptification, synthetic cloning, and breakthroughs in transdifferentiation have moved Infinite Life Extension (ILE) from the fantasies of science fiction and squarely into the realm of science fact.

Enter: The Spacewalkers Foundation for Extraterrestrial Exploration and the Circumvention of Planned Obsolescence. I founded this organization upon the core belief that while death is escapable, responsibility isn’t. As homo sapiens hurtle towards the next stage of bio-digital evolution, we must remain vigilant, hyper-aware, and acutely in tune with our c0re responsibility: to iterate our technologies and philosophies so that humankind may evolve into an intergalactic community that is seriously fucking awesome.

I invite you to join our close-knit network of dreamers, inventors, philosophers, and artists, so that together we may build a sustainable framework for the evolution of interstellar exploration and the conscious, infinite digitalization of personhood. My father wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

We are glad you found us. You are in the right place.

Forever your friend in time,

Baron von Wolfgang

The Spacewalkers Foundation for Extraterrestrial Exploration and the Circumvention of Planned Obsolescence (TSFFEEATCOPO)